Reflections on maternity leave

My leave comes to a shuddering close this Monday - I head back to work on September 1. Of course, this change brings about mixed feelings. I feel like I've just gotten to know Declan - he's sweet, enjoys a cuddle and is just learning about his body - what his hands can do, what it feels like to put a toy in his mouth and how to keep his head up while on his tummy. Little things, but little things that are defining my son.

And he'll probably be my only son. Pretty sure our shop is closed and that's bittersweet....sweet because we can see our future stretching out before us and we're able to plan...bitter because there will be no other time in my mid-life when I'll have 4 months off to enjoy my family. To exclusively focus on my lovely children who teach me something every day.

In a lot of ways, I was able to bond more with Annika during these 4 months than Declan. She reacts strongly to my being at work, and we've become very close. She's not a cuddler like her brother, but she knows I am, so she lets me hold her whenever I want - something she doesn't do when I'm away for a while. During the days I've had with both kids, I saw all of Annika's personality - the good, the bad and the ugly...but mostly the good. I saw her kindness and appreciation of Declan, what makes her laugh, and her never-ending quest to get *me* to laugh...she's a comedienne for sure. Her artistic sensibilities have become more sophisticated over the summer - she draws in the lines! She uses realistic colors and she has a real pride in her work. She's working on her lack of patience and is starting to understand how much she wants to contribute to our household - she wants to do "chores" and help with Baby Bro whenever we need her.

Leaving Declan will be hard, too. He's just starting to have those bright eyes of understanding...he smiles when smiled at and is hungry for attention and information. He's finally learning how to fall asleep on his own, though I don't think his night wakings will be gone by next week...but that's ok - more time with my little guy. It breaks my heart that I might miss those upcoming milestones...but I know he'll eventually appreciate having a Mommy who is challenged at home and outside of it.

Four months is not enough, so maybe if we're ever granted a "surprise" we can move to Europe where leave is a lot longer. But I'll never forget this summer and can't wait for what the future brings.