The last few days (nights) have been trying. Annika has shed her former reputation for being a sleep queen. Like anything, I know it's not going to last, but darm if I ain't very very tired, My body literally aches with exhaustian. I stare at my computer screen and work, and my eyes play tricks on me. It's like one of those 3-D poster things that were popular in the 80s. So far, I've seen a fireworks display, the Grand Canyon and a balloon.
What is more disturbing than the sleepiness is my worry. Is it normal to worry so much about your baby? Before you parents respond with your raucous "YES!'s" please remember that I'm new at this Mommy thing. The sinking feeling I get in the pit of my stomach if I consider for any length of time the things that can go wrong with Annika...well, it's a new feeling. A new normal, if you will.
My father was a worrier. He would wait up for me when I went out with friends when I was in high school. Not too bad, you think. Well, I was in band, and hung out with like-minded-bandy type folks. In essence, there was nothing to worry about. In addition, I was rarely home past 10. I think I was late by 20 minutes once, and both my father and I had to give each other CPR because of our mutual heart attacks. Mine because I would feel guilty making him worry, his because he was freaked I was in the bottom of a well with no dog to save me.
As sweet as it is to think about in retrospect, I have to admit, I didn't want to be that kind of parent. I want to trust my kids and sleep soundly when they're out, or in their cribs...but yeah, that's impossible. Usually my vision of Annika alone in her crib includes some sort of rope that she's found mysteriously halfway down her throat, and as she gasps for air...well, let's not think about this too much. My point being: I worry. I worry a lot. It literally keeps me up (beyond her cries) and if I were honest, the fact that she wakes up is sort of comforting, if not *tiring*.
I love her so very much. If I could get some sort of contract that she'll live and be healthy until the year 2109, that'd be great.
3 comments:
I hear ya sista! I worry like crazy too-- I thought maybe I had gone loony with some of the outrageous things I find myself thinking and worrying about. The "looniness" could be an entirely other issue in and of itself- but its nice to know someone else worries a lot too!:-)
Well.. I know exactly how you feel. I remeber my body laid on bed and i found out only my eyes can blink but my whole body was tired enough I did not have any feeling at all. I also remember the feeling of "dead man walk". Gorgeous!!!
Well.. my dear.. I will say, don't worry, you will get used to! Trust me!
Remember my son had sleeping disorder? Would sleep walk unitl he was 3. Now, After 5 years of well-train, i get used.
So see you are winner or Annika is winner! But I will say YOU! I think you will get used to it before she becomes a sleep queen.
Hope starbucks can help!
Good news on the sleep front - she's been much better. She woke up about 15 minutes early this morning, but that's not too bad. However, the weekend being as busy as it was didn't allow for much rest - so hoping the aches and pains will be kept to a minimum once I get some catch up rest this next weekend!
I know that we allll go through this - both the exhaustian and sleep deprivation. Thank you for both chiming in and reminding me that I'm not alone!
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